Tales of the Parodyverse

The Saga of the Pants Baron, Chapter Two! By Nats and that other guy!


Post By

Nats
Sun Sep 28, 2003 at 06:22:50 pm EDT
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The Pants Baron #2!
Written by Nats and Balefire!



Previously, in this epic saga...
The trousers and pantaloons of the world's heroes have gone missing! A mysterious and villainous character known as the Pants Baron has made his appearance by utilizing a well-known tradition of beating on Nats! Nats himself lies dazed in a cow chip, with the Pants Baron heading for the pants-free Lair Mansion! Hilarity is sure to ensue!

"I never thought I'd see the day when Hatman would wear a kilt," said Fin Fang Foom.

"Yeah, well I would be wearing pants about now if Nats would get back already. And who are you to talk? At least I'm covered." Hatman retorted.
"He should be back by now," the yet berobed Dancer worried. "We must have sent him out two hours ago."

"Would you at least stop playing those damned bagpipes?" grumbled a bed sheet-wearing CrazySugarFreakBoy!, swiping the Scottish cap off Hatman.

"Sorry," said the Capped Crusader.

"Come now," said Sorceress, wearing one of her robes now, as she jabbed Finny in the side. "You know you want to say something."

"Huh, what?" Finny said as he was jolted from his train of thought. "Oh, yeah. Um... whatever."

"Well that was rude," replied the Sorceress, suddenly catching a glimpse of something out the window.

"Does anyone else find it odd that some guy is hovering outside the window?" Finny asked, drawing the attention of his comrades.

Suddenly, the man removed his pants and began falling to the ground.

"That happened to me once," remarked Trickshot. "I was wearing MC Hammer's parachute pants, y'see, and..."

"Yeah. Shouldn't we do check that out?" Goldeneyed suggested.

"Possibly," Pegasus said. "But it's my coffee break."

"And where's Ziles?"

"Still stitching together clothes from bed sheets in her room, I think," dull thud said.

"She can borrow one of my loincloths," said Flapjack happily.

"I nominate Flapjack to find out who the scary floating man is," said Dancer.

Moments before Dancer and the others could force Flapjack down the stairs, the wall of the building improbably collapsed, revealing a man in a rather ill-fitting pair of women's pants.

"Those are my pants," Dancer shrieked, lunging at the man.

"Gee, Nats was right," the man said, sidestepping at the last moment to avoid a crotchful of womanly wrath. "I don't quite know how I got into them, but now that I'm in your pants, I think I'll stay a while."

"You have nice, shapely legs," Dancer told him. "For a girly man whose legs are about to be broken into a million pieces."

"I love you too," the man said. "By the way, I'm the Pants Baron, hence the whole using-your-pants-to-steal-your-powers-shtick. Nats is...indisposed."

"Ahh," Hatman said. "Exposition. I like exposition."

The Pants Baron nodded. "For instance, watch me use Dancer's powers to alter probability and make her top fall off." He did so.

Flapjack's eyes bulged. "I think I like this new guy. Can we keep him?"

"Those better be the only things bulging or Dancer will kill you," Finny said, hiding both his eyes behind his massive paws in order to escape the nudity.

"Well that's a sight I'd like to wake up to in the morning," the master of trousers laughed, while changing into a different pair of pants.

Goldeneyed teleported in and took a swing at the Baron, which ended up being a very bad experience for G-Eyed's fist as it smashed into the Baron's now-invulnerable exterior.

"Hey, those are my lucky purple pants! I lost those years ago!" Fin Fang Foom said. "It was like losing a brother... that was a pair of pants. I've never worn pants since that day." At this point the Makluan dragon burst into tears.

Hatman donned his Astro's cap and blasted the Pants Baron through two floors of the mansion. "That'll buy us some time, so we'd better---"

A high pitched whistle cut him off. "What was that?" Trickshot barked.

Suddenly, what appeared to be a series of circus performers on colorful horses appeared in the mansion's open wall. Upon, closer inspection, however, the Legionnaires discovered them to be animate pairs of pants, sewn together at the waist, riding on rather large antelopes wearing pants.

"Ride forth my Pantalopes! Destroy them Pantalunatics!" The pants baron shouted from two stories below.

"Well," breathed dull thud. "That was unexpected."

~~Hmm,~~ wondered Cressida. ~~What rhymes with pants...AAAAAAGHHH!~~ The tapeworm screamed as the Pants Baron peeled away her mind using Ziles's empathic abilities.

"Damn this Xnylonian bodysuit," he cursed. "It chafes!"

Fin Fang Foom ripped apart a Pantalunatic and threw it to the ground.

"It's no good! They're easy to stop but there's too many of them."

Then, as if just to spite him, the piles of torn Pantalunatics on the ground retrieved needles and thread from their pockets and began repairing themselves.

Dancer volleyed through the assault. "You know, just this morning I thought life could not get more surreal. And then we get attacked by pants."

The Pants Baron chuckled. "Yes...I will soon rule the world, and the world's pants! Hahah!"

As the battle raged on for the mansion's living room, a powerless CSFB! was seemingly unaccounted. The Pants Baron was shocked as Dreamcatcher Foxglove appeared in front of him and landed a kick in his crotch.

The Pants Baron appeared to grumble loudly and incoherently as he stumbled backwards.

"That was for wearing that stupid mask," CSFB! told him.

"It's not a mask! It's...it's face-pants!" he bellowed. "You see, though I may control the power of your pants, I find myself horribly cursed by those same abilities," The Pants Baron began. "Though I may appear normal... well perhaps it would be best if I showed you." And with that, the Baron dropped his pants.

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Sorceress after sweeping away a few Pantalunatics with a gust of elemental wind.

"That's not the first time a man's dropped his pants for me without me even having to ask," Dancer added.

Pegasus sniffed. "I've seen weirder."

Finny slowly took his hands off his eyes. "What? I....holy crap."

Several moments passed, and nobody seemed able to pry thier eyes off of The Pants Baron's crotch.

"Dude, you have a face... in your crotch," Hatman said.

"So now you all know my terrible secret." The Baron sighed.

"But wait a minute," Dancer began, "what does this have to do with the face-pa... Oh!"

"What?" dull thud said. "I don't get it. If your face is there, then... Why is there a sudden bulge on your mask?"

The Pants Baron spit out a loose tooth from his face-crotch. "Well...I was born with a bit of a...mix-up."

thud's eyes widened. "Oh."

Finny shuffled from side to side. "So, er..."

"Yes well, I know it's all very sad and what-not, but I think we have some more important business to attend to." With that, the Pants Baron put Fin Fang Foom's pants back on.

"Good luck with the surviving bit." Then, he let out a gust or two of flame, and took off.

***

Meanwhile, Nats was still unconscious in a cow chip. "Five more minutes, Dr. Phil, I don't want to go to the proctologist..."

A splash of water hit him in the face.

"But...*sputter*...zzzz..."

Somebody kicked him in the ribs.

"Ow! Hey," he mumbled, waking up. "Who's...? Uh oh." He looked up and saw the person that was waking him.

"Get up out of that manure," Balefire told him. "I require your assistance."

To be continued…!





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